Mud is Sticky

My amigo Jace has guts. Guts to tell me how to improve. People don't normally dig as deep into the inner-dwellings of my soul, but Jace did. Good thing, too, cuz I probably need a spark to light the fire of much-needed improvement in my life.

I'm probably the queen of mediocrity. I'm a fan of royalty, but not a fan of mediocrity. I'm stuck. I envy people who know what they want, have passion, and go for it. I, on the other hand, have floated through these almost 26 years of life doing what any good girl is supposed to do. I went to school, I go to church, I went to more school, I do my responsibilities. And that's it. I've done what is expected of me. I've had some good times. But I haven't lived life. I've only showed up.

Jace recommended that I make a list of what I want to accomplish, a.ka. goals. Ugh. I've never liked goal-setting. I've always accomplished what needs to be done without jotting down any cutsie goals. I basically have a constant to-do list in my head, and I quickly and efficiently cross off those tasks. What got done? Well, stuff got done. I showed up for life. But did I live life? No. So next step? I guess make up list of goals. I don't know what is gonna get written down, or how I'll compile something that seems so ambiguous. If I knew what my future held, I'd make goals to make those happen. But I suppose I'm in charge of my future. I can determine what happens. Oh snap, I think I'm beginning to figure this all out.

Now, don't get me wrong. I've been blessed beyond compare. I've met great people, done great things, and I'm happy. But there is SO much that I haven't done. Who's/what's to blame? Well, me of course. But a lot of what I've missed out on is also due to circumstances out of my control. Oh--and I want to do it all. I mean ALL. I want to travel. I want to skydive. I want to go to rock concerts. I want to skateboard. I want to hip-hop dance. I want to cliffdive. But realistically, I don't have the time or resources to really do it all. Or maybe I do. My problem is focus. How in the world do I figure out what to focus on? How do I pin down one thing to really strengthen and develop?

While I'm typing this, I'm reminded of something I just saw (TV show? movie? blog? I can't remember for the life of me; so if you know what I'm talking about, please tell me). It was said that people are drawn to other people who have focus. People who do one thing and do it well. People who are committed to one passion. So, what's my THING? I envy those who know what they love. I am on a journey to knowing what that is, but this journey needs to end soon, or I'm gonna go crazy.

I'm almost to the point of making a list of everthing that's awesome that I want to do, closing my eyes, and placing my finger on one of them and just doing it. But then agency flies out the window. And after all, I want to choose what I ultimately do. Oh the joys of decision-making. Sometimes I want to punch decisions in the face. But then I'd be kinda floating over to Satan's nasty side, and sure has heck don't wanna do that.

I guess my first step is making that goal list.

Oh, Jace--you're such a wise panda. You keep chowin' down on that bamboo.